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The lifecycle of a chav |
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Chavs Lifecycle Chav LIFE CYCLE AND HABITS A chav's life begins at conception. Chav babies are considered to precious
in their culture to get rid of and any female pregnant is revered and
awarded a council houseto bring up her litter of chavs. A half blood chav may find parenting later in life. It is not unusual for one or more parent to be 19 years old. This more elderly primigravida is often treated with less respect and considered snobbish. Once pregnany ic established the nest building can begin with chav society encouraging application of domestic crisis grants which allow the furnishings to be purchased from the catalogue on the never never and the cash spent on blow and beer. During pregnancy a chav-mum to be is careful to watch her intake of various substances and it is not unheard of for some females to give up drinking in the morning, at least until the morning sickness wears off. Vitamins and minerals are an acknowledged part of the pregancy diet and healthy food is sought being rich in vitamins and e-numbers. In particular tartrazine is favoured due to its tendency to give blond highlights if consumption is excessive. Pregnancy culminates in a hospital birth. Respectable chav women know there is no benefit in having a baby at home when hospitals are full of drugs and blankets to be nicked. Proud parents show off their newborn infants in top of the range prams and buggys. Whatever is highly fashionable and expensive seems to be popular and the more frills the better. Some items may be purchased from catalogues or shoplifted from the big stores on the high street. In most chav locals there will be a baby care specialist who knows the latest brands of prams and can get them for a good price. A chav never knowingly buys stolen property - prefering to cut out the middleman and nick it themselves. A chav child once weaned onto tea and biscuits is mostly self-sufficient and generations of babys have played in the streets in dirty white vests and no-nappies. This allows them to be unhindered when playing in the shell of burnt out cars on the street. As children get older they are taught essential reading skills. Some of the first words to be learnt are "job centre" and "signing on" - often a 4 year old can sign their own name in preparation for their first day or work avoidance. As the chavs get older they learn new skills, lock picking, hotwiring, pickpocketing and shouting. Girls are given extra tutition in some subjects to ensure they don't fall behind the boys in topics such as physics, street-brawling, and bare-fist fighting. Once they reach school age (or the truant officer makes his first appointment) the luxury of free school dinners arrives and children spend at least 40 minutes at school. They return home to pass on items to sell, particularly anything they can rob from the staffroom. Joy riding home in a teachers car is considered to be a level education and signals the time when the child is ready to progress to bigger things. By age 10 puberty is kicking in and changes are happening. Girls pay more attention to their clothing and start wearing extra makeup. Boys however can still be found in some areas running round in a dirty vest. A chav's Coming of Age cermoney is marked by the first formal issuing of bling and brand name trainers. Again additional lessons are introduced such as wearing trainers without doing the laces up, how to tuck socks into tracky bottoms perfectly and how to swagger.
Chavs are given a final lesson in signing on and claiming benefits including the finely tuned skills of not saying a word regarding overpayments but voriciforas outcrys over underpayments of benefits and tax credits. Alcohol is a part of every chavs life from its very conception. It is
estimated that 1/3 of chavs have been born with fetal alcohol syndrone
ensuring that they pass quickly onto being dependent on alcohol as a child. By age 13 a chav girl is expected to be able to drink a litre bottle of white cider in one sitting. A boy chav can be expected to drink twice as much as still remain fully potent. Often the excessive drinking of cider starts off a new generation of chavs as 97% of chavs concieve during an alcoholic stupour. Tests have been carried out on chav seed and have concluded that indeed chav sperm mobility is increased when alcohol is introduced. There are now gene extraction experiements taking place to try and isolate the exact gene in order to help infertile middle class coupons. Chavs rarely marry and it is also infrequent that a father is named on the birth certificate. This is certainly the case since the introduction of the child support agency. Chavs have strict rules about dating and any chav-girl not found to be dating by the age of 12 is offered help in finding a partner for the evening in order to break the cycle. Unprotected sex is the norm for chavs and getting sloppy seconds is considered to be acceptable as long as it wasn't your brother that got there first. Although there are some rumours of interbreeding amongst smaller chav populations increased mobility by age 14 for the boys means they can travel to other areas in stolen vehicles in order to pass on their genetic material to a non-family member. |
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