New
Olympic Events to be added if the olympics are held anywhere near essex!
Did
you know that Chavland had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section
of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...
The medals are made from genuine gold top milk bottle tops and some loser's
tracksuit chopped up. They're then hand stitched by class 3 of St Ignatious's
Primary School as part of their "work in the community" scheme
which also makes mail bags and breaks rocks.
The Events - in order to allow maximum particpation by chavs the games
will include:
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under
each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released
10 metres behind the athletes. |
Jumping to conclusions:
This is a new entry to the games - |
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls
etc. |
HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc).
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members
of the public within their allotted time. |
WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed
in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through
the shop door and placed in a mate's van. |
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within
five minutes. |
SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over
a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van
2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next
door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual
cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'. |
BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and girlfriend teams and will take place on
every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints
of
Stella and the girlfriend will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home. The bout will then commence. |
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the ChavCity University bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country
on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.
|
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Chavcity Police Station
and must be witnessed by an officer. |
TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being
found guilty will be adjudged the winner. |
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and
arson. |
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp
sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic
syringes on their way round. |
MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the river run through ChavCity?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this
event has been cancelled. |
RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house
in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen
cars. |
ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who
gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body. |
DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to
his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed
at promoting the local culture will be introduced. |
PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone
cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner. |
GRAFFITI
To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in
five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will
not be deducted for misspelling. |
BASEBALL
Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing
wins. |
CLOSING CEREMONY
In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of ChavCity, competitors from every
nation will be chased across the park by Knife wielding locals. |
They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find
their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo
liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after
their motor'.
Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour
and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if
still in place) will be extinguished by eight chavs forming
a circle and pissing on it.
The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in ChavCity
is a chav you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged
on exiting
the stadium and will return home to find
their wallet missing. |
Give
an ASBO 
OPENING
CEREMONY